The Cold Hard Truth
by Crystalline Green
Summary: Post 5x08 & now also 5x09 in chapter three. Contains massive spoilers for both episodes, exercise caution. Was-once-a-oneshot, now looking to wrap this in four parts.
1. Chapter 1 Jane

_I usually say that playing with other peoples toys was always more fun... but this time it wasn't._

* * *

**_The Cold Hard Truth_**

Jane couldn't look at Maura.

* * *

"Janie!" They found her on curled in on herself meters away from where their shooter had dropped. Frankie was there, and Korsak.

"Janie, are you hit?" She didn't respond, just coughed and gasped for breath through desperate tears of pain and fear and regret. But through all that she had managed to a look up to check on Tasha, still as she had left her, slumped on the elevator floor.

"Shit," Korsak said from above, "Get the medics in here. Now!" he shouted to the cops clearing the scene their focus on the gunman and the kid. "Go check on the girl," he said to Frankie.

"But she's my sister!" he said indignant, his temper ignited. A Look passed between them - when he wanted it, Korsak still possessed the 1000 yard stare perfected in the Corps. Frankie obeyed.

Korsak hunkered down next to her, offering comforting contact and reassuring words, not for the first time. "They're coming Jane, hold on. It's gonna be ok."

That got through. She nodded weakly and grasped his large hand when he sought out hers, his grip strong and sure. "Hold on Jane."

After that things greyed out again, until the medics arrived and the prodding and questioning began. She heard snippets of information being passed "Det. Rizzoli, Jane…" the conversation floating over her head, on another plane to the one she currently existed on. "Thirty eight." She felt submerged somehow, trapped in a soupish atmosphere where everything was slow and thick and just breathing was immeasurably hard. She was heavy within that space, where her thoughts were a whirlpool dragging her down and fear reigned absolute.

The medics opened her shirt, and gloved fingers traced her ribs and down. That brought her back with a jolt - fear response and rising dread. "Significant bruising to the lower quadrant, possible broken ribs. Was she wearing a vest?"

"Yes. I think so, I ordered her to, but the perp was going for her with a length of pipe. She gave her vest to…" his voice dropped, plummeting along with the penny. She saw the look on his face, and wishes she hadn't as the connotations sunk in. She closed her eyes, willing herself back down, she knew what was coming next. "She's pregnant."

"How far?" More probing gentle fingers in the area she knew she had been hit first by the bullet and then by the bar. She used her pain - it gave her a level to descend below, in to numbness and oblivion.

She felt herself being jostled as they loaded her up on to the stretcher and the volume faded once more, but not before she heard Korsak's reply, "I don't know. First trimester still, I think. Oh god…"

'Oh God.'

* * *

Dark silhouetted figures against startling light, gathered around her moving stretcher. She was out in bright sunshine, squinting against the slicing rays as she groggily came to. Mercifully they moved into shadow as they came to a halt beside a waiting EMS bus and the world came back into focus.

"Hey." Frankie there again, he shot a concerned look over her, to someone on her right side.

She managed half a question, "Where's…?" she looked for answers from those around her, still confused. That's when she found Maura.

The ME understood the mumbled query. "The EMT's are working on her Jane," she answered with a positive nod, but a deep frown touched her friend's brow.

Jane nodded her understanding, swallowing against rising nausea. "I'll see you at the hospital," Frankie said and took his leave, pulling away a little too hurriedly, again passing a look towards Maura. She tracked his path, vision still blurring in and out of focus, but she saw the gurney coming in on the same vector, carrying Tasha looking just as dazed as she felt. But deep brown eyes met as they paused momentarily next to her. Jane reached for the girl's hand intertwining their fingers giving as much of a squeeze as she could summon, aiming to impart comfort and reassurance through the simplest human touch, as she was already receiving from Maura on her other side.

The contact was broken all too quickly and Tasha was rolled on. Jane looked longingly after her, maternal instincts kicking in, as they had since she figured out their witness was a kid, whom she knew was in imminent danger. Jane's throat clenched at the realization, at cruel timing and twisted fate. To save a child at the cost of…

She attempted to clamp those thoughts down. As she had been doing since the moment she took the round to her vest. But she knew all too well the forces involved.

She shook her head, 'No! Not thinking about it.'

But as they made preparations to load the gurney, Maura of course still right beside her spoke, "You did good Jane, you did really good." Jane read her friend's face and nodded but had to turn away.

For as long as she didn't see the pain in her golden brown eyes, pain for her - she didn't have to believe it was there.

As long as she didn't ask the question of her friend - which had been flashing red and threatening to consume her mind since that second shot knocked her on her back, Maura would not be forced to tell the truth, and it could not escape unbidden from her expression alone, even if the words failed to come.

If she didn't have confirmation that the cramping she was experiencing meant what she was terrified it might mean, then she didn't have to accept it. Hope would still exist. But if she looked at Maura, she knew she would find the truth there, and it would be cold and hard.

She screwed her eyes closed tighter still and silvered tears broke free of the tight leash she had until then used to control them.

* * *

_I saw a few posts on the R&I Facebook page attached to the teaser for this ep, and I was struck by how glib and cold some of the responses were to the prospect of a miscarriage, as a child would present a barrier to the fabled 'Rizzles'._

_Yes I know it's only TV, but still sometimes I wonder why people watch._

_For the record, I hope that what I fear does not turn out to be & I am annoyed at the writers who seem to be about to take this away from Rizzoli (and damn it the books demand they do not!). __I don't know one way or the other, but this is me being way too invested and trying to wrap my poor head around it all._

_Now that I have opened a potential can of worms, I bid you all __adieu_.


	2. Chapter 2 Maura

_So the 'oneshot' develops a life of its own, due in no small part to the response of those who have reviewed. I thank you all for that, the reviews to this have been magnificent, and I am pleased that a small forum has opened with considered opinions such as yours attatched to my piece. I have responded to most via PM, but the two I wanted to drop in on weren't available. Mommaj69; See me after class… or at the end of the chapter if you'd rather._

_Special thanks goes to the two people who requested a continuation; Dr Hir and smd41271, who gave me a direction to follow before the point at which I had begun to think there was a possibility I may continue (which I expected might be after seeing 5x09, soon now, very soon…). And as for those of you who chose to follow a oneshot; how did you know before I did?!_

_So here you have it. Up to the end of '__Lost & Found'__, this time from Maura's perspective._

_NB, while I will never write romantic Rizzles, I do see and very much appreciate their relationship and I hope this will satisfy even the most staunch Rizzlers out there._

* * *

The call from Jane scared her more than she could admit. She attempted to hide it under positive, assertive action and her professional venire, which had been highly polished by years of practice throughout her working life and even before that, on a more personal level, beginning when she was still just a child. Maura had been prone to over achieving even then, always striving for perfection in all aspects of her life. Later she realised it was all about her need to be in control and to protect herself from the things that scared her. She felt secure with that high gloss screen between herself and others, impervious to anything they cared to throw at her. It had served her well, to a point.

Inside, however, there was the horrible churning, stomach twisting vortex of worry. She could hear Jane's pain as she spoke, it was clear in her pinched words, the tremble and extra gravelly quality of her voice and her very evident struggle for breath. Maura could hear the contortion of Jane's facial muscles pulling her mouth into a grimace as she filled her in on the details of their situation, seeking advice not for herself, but for Tasha. Maura gave the best advice that she could, but with Jane proficient in basic first aid, she had already attended to Tasha's wound as best as she could. At least Maura was able to give reassurance that Jane was doing the right thing and she would be there to support her all the way, even if only through the connection of the phone line, along with assurances that she would get to them.

Her worry couldn't have been as well hidden as she had thought, Jack had picked up on it from the moment she had been connected via the patch from the security office. To his credit he had reacted with instinctive support and little questioning, sensing the immediacy of the need for action, "I'll drive," he offered and for that Maura was intensely grateful as he intuitively did exactly what she needed, therefore enabling her to devote all of her attention to Jane, her plight and that of the girl she was now trying to protect.

Part of her was screaming in anger at her friend for always being the one to put herself in the firing line, but she knew and had long ago accepted that was who her friend was - just as instinctively as she were the one to seek professional detachment. But she wished that Jane had more of an instinct for self-preservation, especially now when it wasn't just her own life which she held in her hands. However Maura knew that it wasn't as simple as throwing a switch, Jane's fierce protective nature of others had always over ridden instincts to protect herself, it was hardwired into her personality. A deep set sense of social responsibility such as that Jane possesses, even if she disguises it with sarcasm, spikey humor and in the most extreme cases pure frustration and righteous anger, is always going to be present, it is the essence of Jane.

Maura's heart had sunk when Jane had told her she'd taken a shot to the vest, even though she had tried to play it down, telling her she was fine, Maura knew that was the source of the discomfort she could hear flowing through each and every word her friend forced out. Worse than that, as their conversation continued, she could hear the resignation growing steadily as her friend weakened.

Maura was unable to prevent the worst case scenario from playing out in her thoughts, but pressing Jane on the issue now could be of no use what so ever. This was an instance of prepare for the worst, hope for the best and if she knew her friend half as well as she thought she did, she thought that Jane would be employing the same tactics.

For now Jane's concern was still focused on the girl and as she was the only one who was able to affect her care and facilitate their escape, Maura did all she could to offer advice which would benefit them both. Keeping Jane focused was more than half of that battle and she knew her friend would not feel comfortable just waiting, Jane did not do well with inaction, forced or not and although Maura's instincts were to tell her to not move, to rest, she also knew that where they were, they were sitting ducks. As did Jane herself. A cop's instincts were to move and she did, just as soon as it became evident that she had done all she could for Tasha, the only other thing she could do was to try and get her out.

Maura found herself talking now to the girl, in an attempt to just keep her going, all the while her own sense of foreboding was growing exponentially and all she wanted to do was to tell Jane to not do anything stupid – No, that wasn't fair, Jane was anything but stupid – perhaps she would have told her to not put herself in further danger, yet Maura knew just as Jane did that with or without action, things could turn equally sour. She knew which course Jane would opt for, her sense of duty would demand it and had the circumstances been different, Maura would have felt nothing but admiration. Now however, she only felt apprehension and in any case, Jane was off the line before she even had a second to order her thoughts. Still she sent out a silent wish, 'Be safe Jane, be safe.'

* * *

Arriving at Grand St. she was relieved to see there was already a considerable police presence in the area, she hoped they would find and neutralize the threat swiftly. She forced her way through the cordon with the aid of her knowledge and credentials, but Jack was held up. By that point he had already done everything and more than she could have expected and now she took a moment to thank him for it. "Wait for me," she requested, already knowing he would.

"I want to help," he insisted.

"You already are helping," she said leaving him with a kiss, "you're here."

Maura peeled away, checking the area for Jane's team whom she knew would have arrived before she had. Outside there was a telltale pair of Crown Vics parked between the buildings at the head of the line of parked emergency vehicles, one would be Korsak's and the other Jane's, but there was no sign of Korsak or Frankie, she knew by now they would be inside searching the building. Now she set her sights set on the EMT's who she could see talking with the officers responsible for holding the cordon outside the building, waiting for the call to enter.

She introduced herself and explained that she had been in touch with the officer on scene, and began giving them information they would require to treat them more efficiently. Her training demanded she tell them about Tasha first, as she had in all likelihood suffered an immediately life threatening injury if Jane was right, with trauma to her brachial artery. "You have a teenage girl in there, Tasha, she's sustained a bullet wound to the upper arm, possible arterial damage. She's suffered major blood loss and is probably in shock, but my colleague has applied pressure to slow the bleeding. The second casualty is Jane Rizz…"

She was interrupted by the crackle of the radio with an urgent call for EMT support. The two teams turned heel and ran, weighed down with bags containing essential kit. Then she heard the words she had been dreading, "Officer down."

Acting purely on instinct she had been following behind, but she was held by the uniform at the door. "Ma'am, you have to wait until the scene has been cleared." Maura nodded begrudgingly, as much as she burned to be in there offering assistance, she knew that the EMT's were infinitely more qualified than she was, most likely she would be more of a hindrance than a help.

She stayed with the officer listening to radio traffic coming from within, trying to make sense of any information regarding the condition of Jane and the girl. However the transmissions slowed to a trickle once all the relevant parties were inside.

For the first time since Jane made contact she had pause to reflect and in that moment of forced inactivity all her fears and worries rose to the surface. All the 'what ifs' plagued her imagination and without even a modicum of the control she usually sought, Maura felt useless, scared and utterly bereft.

* * *

After what felt like an eternity, activity cranked up once more. The radio spewed back into life with unintelligible information delivered in unfathomable code. She did however catch the words "All clear," and then she saw Korsak leading the way towards the exit. He looked shocked and so very tired, his step heavy and his shoulders slumped. Maura reached him as he stopped to hold open one of the double doors.

Even though she feared the answer, the question came forth without the hesitation she felt in her heart. "Where's Jane?"

Korsak nodded back into the building and through the maze of concrete and dust. Maura could make out a single gurney with Jane on board slowly beginning its transit out of the building.

"It's my fault," Korsak said ashen faced. "I let her go alone, I should have insisted she go with Frankie, or myself…" his words trailed off in guilt.

Maura reached for his arm. "You did your job, just like Jane did hers. You know you can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do, and you certainly can't stop her when she does."

That seemed to help a little. Korsak gave a weak snort and rueful smile. "You're telling me."

"How is she?"

Korsak met her eyes, "I don't know," he said distress both in his expression and his voice "She's pretty banged up, took a round to her vest and it looks like she might have taken a blow to the ribs with a length of pipe without it."

"You informed them of her pregnancy?"

Korsak nodded, "Doc, what if…"

She squeezed his arm a little harder. "She's tough and the baby is low and well cushioned at this stage," she said, but even while trying to reassure him, she felt her own concern grow. The transmission of force through either of those two blows had the potential to cause major trauma. She ordinarily didn't like the idea of luck, but in this instance, she was wishing whole heartedly that it was with them.

Jane's gurney was close now, Frankie was at Jane's side as they rolled her towards the door. Maura grabbed the second door and held it to speed their exit. As they passed she saw that Jane was currently unconscious and had little more colour to her pale face than the drab grey blanket they had draped over her. Maura followed on as they carefully lifted the gurney down the steps, with a final nod to Korsak promising, 'I'll take care of her.'

"How's she doing?" Maura asked as they continued the journey to the ambulance. The EMTs gave her a rundown of the information they had to that point. Not telling her much more than she already knew from Korsak or what she had been able determine based on that information.

"The Sgt. over there said he thought she's still in her first trimester? How far along is she?"

Frankie shrugged apologetically, but it was information Maura had burned into her memory "She's at ten weeks, due her NT scan next week."

"We have a Doppler in the truck, we'll check the fetal heartbeat once we're onboard."

Maura nodded, but her throat tightened at the prospect. As much as a shock as this Pregnancy had been to Jane and despite the less than desirable circumstances with Casey's decision to take the post overseas, along with the conflict Jane had been feeling between her duty at work and the restrictions her pregnancy would have eventually forced her into… Maura caught herself thinking about it in the past tense and berated herself for doing so. If she would only commit to a 'redish brown stain', there was no way she was going to jump to conclusions and give up on her friend, give up on this.

Maura knew Jane never had a second thought about continuing with her pregnancy, she understood, as well her friend did, that this was Jane's chance at motherhood and now Maura found herself wishing to whatever god there may be - even though it was a concept she had long ago given up on - that chance had not be taken away.

Jane began to stir, squinting against the bright summer sun as she came round, Maura tried to push all these thoughts aside and compose herself so that any lingering worry didn't show, but when Jane turned away from her after she tried to reassure her that she'd done well, her words sounding hollow even to herself, Maura knew she had failed.

* * *

_So MommaJ; yes I know the books and the series are very separate entities, but the fact that Jane was allowed to become a mom while still being a fine and kick ass cop in the books, gave me hope that she would also be afforded that opportunity in TV land - & no, I still don't know that she hasn't, and am hoping that she will._

_I will also concede that TV Jane is negative about marriage, and well who can blame her?! IMO there's nothing wrong with that opinion whether there's a pregnancy involved or not. But as for being a mother, I think Book Jane was way more opposed to the idea of children than her televisual alter ego was ever depicted as being. I know she mumbled about never having kids, but I think that was a defence mechanism of someone who has seen way more than their fair share of worldly shit._

_I think Jane would make a pretty awesome mom, dry toast or no dry toast._

_Anyway that's my take. Again I would like to thank you for your review, there aint nothing wrong with a little healthy debate._

Lastly to you _anonymouse, I can not comprehend what three losses such as you have experienced would feel like, its more than anyone should have to go through & I would like to express my deepest sympathies. That you still felt chapter one had some merit is perhaps the highest praise of all. Thank you. _

_Cheers,_  
_C. Green_


	3. Chapter 3 Maura

_Spoiler Warning: We are now heading into no man's land between 'Lost and Found', though we have intel from and will imminently enter 'It Takes a Village' territory, so turn back if you have not yet seen 5x09._

_Trigger Warning: I have researched the subject matter to a point I feel comfortable writing, but I am about the furthest thing from an expert in medical practice and terminology as it is possible to be. Also I have never experienced what Jane is going through, so feel free to point out issues & glaring errors. I will though try to be as sensitive as I possibly can, I know this is not an issue to be trifled with. If it were my choice, they would still be in perfect health._

* * *

Jane's condition had begun to deteriorate soon after they got her into the ambulance.

* * *

Maura had clambered on board without a moment's hesitation. She took a seat on the bench closest to the partition to the driver's cab, where she thought she would be least likely to get in the way. She instantly took Jane's dirt streaked hand in her own once more. "OK," she said and though it wasn't a question Jane nodded weakly, even that slight movement caused her to wince. She slumped back to the bed with a groan. She smoothed her free hand through Jane's tousled hair, now damp from a light sheen of sweat braking out on her forehead and scalp. "Rest Jane, just rest."

"I'm going to give you something to manage the pain, it should make you comfortable for the ride." The EMT told her, already preparing the medication, which he administered swiftly and while the ambulance was stationary he took a few moments to connect an IV. His next task was to ensure that the stretcher and Jane upon it were secure for the journey. In doing so he pulled the grey blanket aside, which exposed Jane's abdomen through her shirt which had been roughly cut open from the bottom and revealed the extent of the bruising she had suffered to Maura for the first time.

Maura sucked in a sharp breath, she could not help but reel from the sight. Though she was intimately familiar with patterns of bruising on human flesh, none had ever made her feel as sick as she felt now looking at these.

Just above and to the right of Jane's navel was an angry red bull's-eye where the slug had impacted upon the vest. It was within a ring of almost normal looking tissue, but beyond was a third ring of much more extensive bruising, where the force had been transmitted to the surrounding tissue, already a dark purple-red. Added to that there was a second bruise developing in a linear pattern, this time on her left side. Maura closed her eyes against the site; but she had already read the injury, the angle of the mark on her friend's flesh told her how it had likely been made and her mind supplied the image of a heavy strike with a blunt object swung with great force. She could also predict the damage sustained internally even though she could not see it, the extent of the bruising was highly suggestible of trauma to the soft organs.

Still with closed eyes, her head drooped, Maura began mentally preparing herself for the worst as hopes faded for the chances that Jane's body would be able to continue supporting her pregnancy after sustaining such injuries.

That was when Jack found her. "Maura?" he asked softly, looking in with wide eyes at the flurry of activity in the tight space around the stricken woman. Jane looked alarmingly pale, and when Maura's head came up she didn't look much better herself. "How is she?"

Maura just shook her head, not trusting her voice to hold against her fears if she tried to explain.

"Ma'am, we need to go," the EMT paramedic told her. He'd hooked Jane up to the monitors, and was looking worriedly at the jumble of information displayed on the screen. Without waiting for any response, he grabbed one of the doors, swinging it in where it locked into place.

Jack backed away. "Go," he said simply with a respectful nod which told her everything she need to know. Maura thanked him with her eyes and a tight smile made its way onto her lips. Then the second door slammed shut and the EMT patted the side wall, the signal to his partner they were secure and ready to move.

She squeezed Jane's hand a little harder, "Hang in there Jane, it won't take long." Worryingly there was little reaction from Jane, she seemed less responsive than she had been only a few moments ago. Maura looked to the EMT for reassurance, but found little there even though he was calm and entirely professional, she could see the urgency in his work and the regularity with which he kept checking on Jane's vitals.

He asked for information about Jane; was she allergic to anything, did she have any medical conditions which might affect her treatment? Maura answered them all as best as she could. Giving voice to the history of previous injuries, even just the relevant ones, made her realise how much her friend had already gone through – and now this.

The truck shuddered and yawed violently as they sliced at speed through city traffic, Maura was struggling against the movement, and watched in wonder as the EMT worked, seemingly no more bothered by it than he would by a light summer breeze.

Bringing her attention back to Jane she noticed that her breathing had become rapid and shallow, the sweat on her brow more pronounced. The monitoring equipment began giving out warning alarms. "Pressure's dropping," the EMT called out, apparently to himself as he began taking steps to identify and treat the probable cause.

"Two minutes out," came a voice from beyond the wall, evidently the driver could hear everything his partner was saying even through the medical bay's cabin wall. "Trauma team is on standby, they've been briefed on her condition as was at the scene."

The medic pulled the blanket away entirely, and that's when Maura saw the blood. "Oh god, no." the words bubbled to the surface, not with any force, only with the resignation of all remaining hope.

Muara knew the statistics for maternal mortality rates associated with obstetric haemorrhaging, and they scared her. They had to get the bleeding under control as soon as possible and get Jane's blood pressure up. All thoughts of using the Doppler were forgotten, now this was all about attempting to keep Jane stable, all other issues could wait until they got to the hospital.

All Maura could do was to sit by and watched as the EMT worked. His routine was well practiced, his instincts well honed, his knowledge extensive. She knew primarily about the results of trauma, not treatments for them. Her medical rotations had been a long time ago and she had not enjoyed the experience or the pressure which had come with it. Now the reactions, instincts and knowledge had been dulled by time and lack of necessity required to keep the skill set.

What she could do was be there for Jane and that was a role she hoped to continue with for a long time yet and through better times than these, but she would do whatever was required, as she knew her friend would do for her if their positions were reversed.

The truck decelerated rapidly, and the doors burst open. The gurney was whisked out and a hive of people swarmed around Jane. Information was given and orders barked, which even Maura was hard pressed to follow in the rapidity of which everything took place. She entered the ER behind the crowd, but aside from checking Jane's details at the administration desk, her role was over for now. All she could do was wait.

* * *

Maura had a greater connection than just to Jane however and her vigil would not be conducted alone. The Rizzoli family were closer to her than Maura's own and it wasn't long before they all arrived. Angela was first, looking utterly devastated. She asked a question with her eyes, and nodded silently although not a word had passed between them. The answer was in Maura's eyes, her posture and the way her lip trembled as she closed in. The women embraced and held on for mutual support.

Frankie arrived at that point, having been dismissed by Korsak who himself promised to come by just as soon as he had cleared the scene and completed his report. The paperwork for discharge of a weapon was tremendous and this time it was an officer involved shooting resulting in a fatality, so the procedure would take some time and it was critical he get the details right. But not even that would stand in his way for long, Maura knew his thoughts would be drawn to Jane until he was able to get there. "How is she?" Frankie asked.

Maura stepped back from Angela and did her best to steel herself with a shaky breath while she ordered her thoughts and searched for a way to tell them all that she knew so far. Just as she were about to begin she heard Jane's voice - dripping in sarcasm and mild irritation at google-mouth explanations - a drawn out, "Nope," in her head. The invasion of that simple memory almost made her crumble, but she pressed it down and momentarily put up the screen of professional detachment to become Dr. Isles once more. It was the only way she could get through this without cracking.

"She has significant bruising and probable internal injuries. She started bleeding on the way here, her blood pressure dropped, I think it's likely that she's suffering a miscarriage."

Silent resigned nods met her statement. "But she'll be ok, right?" Frankie dared ask at last.

Despite her tendency towards appalling eating habits, Jane was one of the fittest and most healthy people Maura knew, added to that the woman had an iron will, and spirit galvanised by sheer determination. "She's strong and she's in very good hands," Maura nodded as she tried to reassure them, to reassure herself. She hoped she was able to convey confidence, even though she was just as scared of the possible implications as they were. Probably more so.

Tommy and Korsak joined their watch as night drew in. Korsak came in bearing a huge bouquet of flowers, and soon began spinning tales of cases he'd worked with Jane, lightning the mood a little with humorous tales embarrassing himself and Jane, if she were here Maura felt sure she would have punched him just to shut him up. They all had a story to relate while their wait went on. They laughed and they cried together, the warmth and support of the family to draw upon when they needed it most.

Eventually a doctor appeared and he confirmed Maura's suspicions, "I'm very sorry," He said, then proceeded to inform them of Jane's condition, "She's had a D&C and she's still sedated, but there were no major complications." Maura heaved a sigh of relief at this, Jane would still have a chance if she wanted to try for a child again at some time in the future. "You can go and see her, but I expect she will be out for a few hours yet."

* * *

And so they waited with Jane, a shift pattern emerged organically, each making a coffee run, or going out for food, and as time went on, going home to rest. Angela waited longest along with Maura, but she noticed the older woman flagging and she persuaded her to go home for a while. "I'll just take a shower and then I'll get some things from Jane's apartment, I don't want to be gone too long."

Maura already had the benefit of a short break, Jack had brought her a change of clothes - along with his baseball bouquet - and thanks to her credentials she had been able to gain access to the staff showers. She felt much better for it, refreshed if not recharged, but she would not go home, not until Jane regained consciousness. She sensed it wouldn't be long now.

She was right and soon heard Jane's breathing change as she came round, perturbed by the glare of the harsh hospital lighting she found Maua by her side. "Hi there," she said with a genuine smile.

Though clearly confused, a thought dawned and typically of Jane, that first concern was not for herself. Working against an incredibly dry mouth she asked, "Tasha?"

"She's ok, she had a very good surgeon and she came through with flying colours."

Jane made an attempt to shift into a more comfortable position, but even this small movement was enough to cause her friend severe abdominal pain. Jane hissed against it, shocked at the intensity and Maura thought that was then the realisation began to set in, "Shit," she breathed shakily, squirming instinctively which only made the pain worse.

"I wouldn't move around too much, your Spleen, liver and kidneys are bruised." Maura advised, still she recognised it was her way of delaying discussing the inevitable.

"And the baby?" Jane asked, with a pained look. But by far the worst part of it was there was still the most fragile remnant of hope imbued within the inflection of her friend's question. Maura knew she was about to shatter it with the truth.

Maura shook her head, "I'm so sorry Jane." It was like she'd just punched her friend, her softly whispered words landing a devastating blow. The anguish they caused was displayed in heart breaking clarity on her Jane's face, but her eyes - twilight settled within them and the certain spark they had contained over the past few weeks, the twinkle of knowing, the expectation, promise and joy of new life, winked out.

Maura felt sickened by having been the one to deliver the news, but then again she knew that it had to be her. She couldn't have left it to Angela, she would have been more broken than Jane if she had to tell her and there was no way she was going to leave it to a doctor to deliver the news with horrible clinical detachment. No, Jane deserved so much more than that, even though she didn't deserve it at all. She didn't deserve any of this and Maura found herself devoid of words adequate to provide comfort.

* * *

_Alright then lovely people, my current thinking is that this will be wrapped in four parts… But, I have been wrong before... I am a leaf on the wind._

_Thanks to all those reading, following, favouriting and reviewing - without you, this really would have ended after chapter one. _

_Sláinte_


	4. Chapter 4 Jane

Jane had been working hard to distract herself since Maura had told her. However beyond the dam she had put in place to avoid dealing with her emotions, the reservoir was filling and she knew it would only be a matter of time before the enormity of building pressure would cause a breach. Avoidance of personal issues was ingrained and she fell back on old patterns now, relying on conversation and acerbic wit to divert attention - both her own and that of others - away from all the things she had yet to figure out how to confront, she welcomed them.

Earlier her mother had shocked Jane in the revelation of her own miscarriage, it was something she just had never considered before. She supposes that instinct could drive you one of two ways; to seek out people to talk with, or attempt to shut it all in - be that out of personal choice or necessity in a less understanding environment such as her mother had been in. Jane felt truly fortunate that she could count on support being there for her, quietly and not so, whenever and even whether or not she felt she needed it. Perhaps this was something that once you've experienced it, you had no desire to talk about or dwell upon, though she knew that in her case both were inevitable.

Talking with her mom had also brought to the fore the realization that she was uncomfortably close to forty. Jane wondered if that had been her one and only chance to have a child of her own, even though all along she had felt completely out of her depth and totally unprepared. She was also ashamed even to think it, but she had felt conflicted and had yet to discover a state of equilibrium between the demands of work and preparing for a child. But it was all so new and alien to her. She reassures her self she would have got there, found the elusive balance and been at peace with the choices she had made, if only she had been granted time. Should there ever be a 'next time' things would be different, it would not be a situation she got herself into accidentally and certainly not one she would enter into lightly.

She shook those thoughts out of her head, several more for the list of things to deal with at a later date, like she had told her mom, she didn't feel she was ready to talk about it all yet. She had a lot of soul searching to do.

Jane half expected Maura to press her to discuss her feelings, but for now she let her off the hook. She knew that eventually Maura would corner her and insist on a heart to heart discussion and in truth there was no one else she would want, or feel sufficiently comfortable to fall back on at such a time. Yes, her family and colleagues would be there too, but with Maura, somehow there existed a different level of trust which aided healing. Perhaps it was that she knew Maura wouldn't put up with any bullshit or shrink from the truth, she would be there with support and acceptance, but also would be sure to give a push and a measure of tough love if, rather when, it were required.

Until the time came to open up, Jane was happy to take whatever distractions she could get and the best one as far as she were concerned was work, though it was not only a mechanism for avoiding matters concerning her personal life. Jane's job was an integral part of who she was and she prided herself at doing it to the best of her ability, always striving to perform her duty with honour and distinction and she drew great satisfaction from both doing it and knowing she was damn good at it. Her status as a cop was her armour and stripped of it she felt vulnerable. She was fortunate that her family understood her so well, anticipating and indulging her with even minor details of the case they were working, giving her something to think about even while she began the process of… what? She didn't feel she were grieving, not yet, she figured it would take time for everything to begin to register, never mind for her to make sense of.

Tasha had been playing most heavily on her mind. She was such an incredible kid, struggling against monumental hardship, yet she was winning, thriving even before all this had happened and it was just dumb luck - or rather lack thereof – which had embroiled her in this whole botched episode. And now even though the immediate threat to her life was over, it was still creating chaos as she were fixed firmly in the sights of the system, which was intent on 'helping' even though in blindly doing what it was designed to, it would certainly create a devastating setback to Tasha's wellbeing. Jane desperately wanted to help her avoid that, she just had to figure out how to make it happen.

* * *

In between checks by medical personnel and other visits; most frequently from Maura and bordering on obsessively from her mother, Jane took to walking the halls. Partly out of boredom and frustration also during that first visit to see Tasha, she'd found that being mobile helped provide relief from not only stiffness, but the occasional cramping she was still experiencing, a bitter reminder, as were her still tender boobs.

Other than these factors, Jane had always preferred to be active. She felt that inactivity stunted her thinking, made her feel bogged down mentally as well as physically. For once she had actually approached her doctor about this, gaining his approval – he advised short walks and to be mindful that she was getting over major trauma and that would tire very quickly - before she set off on her rambling trips around the maze of wards.

Often she would use the opportunity to look in on Tasha, other times her journey would be only about the act of walking, it gave her both time to think and a sense of freedom which better allowed her to process her thoughts and feelings, which so far had remained in disarray within her own head. This was one of those walks.

She found herself in the bright space of a presently deserted corridor, before a large paned window that had a rail below set into the wall just above waist height and a stepped ledge about a foot off the floor, providing a viewing area to the room beyond the glass. Jane could imagine joyful people standing here peering inside; doting adults and children with their noses pressed up against the glass, she looked more closely at the surface of the pane and indeed there was a small smeared handprint, fingers splayed wide at just the level she had anticipated.

Inside were several people dressed in colorful scrubs, all busy at work, though none were currently situated at the central workstation, set out with three chairs one at each desk nook built into a countertop. The workstation had all the accoutrements associated with the necessities for detailed record keeping, the evidence of which was everywhere as stacks of paperwork were neatly gathered in binders, laid in trays and tacked to the notice board on the back wall.

That space was only a tiny area within the room however, the rest was given over entirely to medical equipment and most prominently a dozen small Perspex basinets furnished with soft white mattresses, each housing a miniature guest most of whom were sleeping. Their tiny bodies swaddled in soft white blankets, though some had a more personal blanket, a little piece of home. The nearest was turned towards the window - probably in anticipation of an imminent visitor - naked save for a diaper, displaying a gloriously round belly still with their umbilical clamp in place, chunky folded limbs with a tiny hospital ID tag on one wrist, delicate hands scrunched closed and tucked under their chin. A brand new person, only a few hours old.

Jane, pulled her soft grey robe more tightly around her body, hands coming to rest at her middle and remained rooted to the spot observing numbly as the baby wriggled and squirmed, stretched and yawned. Small fingers flexed then curled in slow motion and finally eyes opened sleepily revealing startling clear blue eyes.

Jane was moving before she knew it. She hurried through the corridors, with no conscious thought of where she was going, her body was in control now - while her mind was a hardly functioning passenger in the early stages of being flooded with crippling emotion - it seemed to know where she should be though and Jane found herself back in her room without any recollection of getting there. She entered her personal bathroom and slammed the door behind her, she leant heavily against it. Soon however her knees buckled and she slid down the varnished wood and sunk into a boneless, helpless heap on the floor.

Grief broke over her like a wave, black and massive. She was held down by the volume of her pain as it consumed her. There was no sense within it, only anger directed solely at herself and desolation of loss. She was tumbling with no perspective and no way to surface, struggling against it would only serve to further sap both strength and spirit. She just had to ride it out and take the pummeling of everything it had to give. For a while she couldn't even breathe, then with tremendous effort she gave a great shuddering gasp and when it exploded from her it carried with it a sound unlike any she had ever made before; it was a wail of mourning, and guilt and absolute heartache.

Time had ceased to be of any relevance. When at last the wave receded, Jane hauled herself up off the floor totally unaware of how long the episode had lasted. She knew only that she was completely exhausted. She trudged back to her bed and allowed her body once again to collapse onto it. She hauled the blanket over herself, instinctively seeking comfort even if it was only provided by the oddly scratchy fabric of the hospital blanket. She was asleep almost instantly.

* * *

She didn't tell anyone about her breakdown, not yet. The time would come for her to talk this through with someone else, almost certainly that process would begin with Maura, who would be there whenever she was ready.

Jane knew it would be a long road to getting over this, but she also knew she would never have to walk it alone.

* * *

_Although I know some of you were looking for the 'touchy feely download' between Jane and Maura, I don't think Jane is there yet. Her way to deal with things first off is to internalize and all else will take time. She'll get there. _

_However for this, and for me - I think t'is done and it's time I put this to bed._

_Thanks once more to all out there reading and giving encouragement, especially you out643, whom I couldn't respond to (as you're a guest), but I'd like to thank you for your reviews now. _

_This project turned into something I didn't expect, which I am now really rather glad it did.  
YNWA_

Salute!


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